I cant help but feel i am getting dumber, less sensitive. less human.
those life changing 3 weeks happened. not the way i expected. not crash and burn. but wake up. i woke up. again. how many times can a person wake up. how heavily sedated can a person be to wake up this many times. i am such a fucking idiot.
didnt propose. family disapproves. we fought. we made up. we made a lot of things. just. what am i even doing anymore.
I feel like my faith has hit an all time low. i feel no connection to much of anything. my relationship with S is in it most confusing condition ever. i feel both physically, and spiritually broken right now. in need of an escape from my escape. unable to write music. unable to work with zeal. unable to think clear headed. i have a sheen of apathetic loneliness casting a shadow over every passing hour. things feel meaningless and hollow. i feel jealous angry and pathetic.
where this all came from and when i dont know. but i find this to be a pattern in my life. i do this to myself. i do not advance. i do not do well. this is a problem that i see no end to. i need to. I no longer boast the privilege of spending time pitying myself, and yet i just put this time onto credit as to pay the debt of this on top of real debt later.
i live a borrowed life. i feel as though nothing is mine, not even the love i have. i feel as though nothing is in my control, and no one is controlling me. i am simply unused.
how to build. how to go up, how to find someone willing to invest in me until i have enough life built into me to bring it to those around me. i dont know. i am a walking manifestation of emotional instability. i was so fine just a little while ago.
a failed proposal, a disappointed and disapproving family. trying times. i am finding i am extremely slow, bad at reading situations, bad at knowing how to be invested, how to be loyal, am i a sociopath or what. i dont even know.
i am a part of the thousands in this generation who spend their days rotting in their self inspection, watching the clock tick by us as we do nothing but mope. i need more. i cant even write anything good because i am no longer good as a person it feels.
i dont want to spread me or my thoughts. i want to just.. fix it.
bring me back.