Last night, I hit rock bottom. Again. I’ve struggled with depression for three years now, and I’ve tried to commit suicide multiple times now. Last night, I didn’t actually get to the point of trying, but I came really close. I had just been holding everything inside for a variety of reasons, and it got to be too much to bear last night. And it all came out. I found myself crying at my work when I came in looking for someone to talk to at almost ten.
Today, I took the day off of school to try and recover from that. Not many people know what happened. I plan on keeping it that way. My mom doesn’t know what happened, and she probably won’t ever know. The past couple of times I’ve been this far down, she doesn’t know. If she finds out, I’m being kicked out. I’ve been promised that.
But since I can’t let her know and I’m sick of this, I’m working on getting past this. At least for this time. So I’m spending the day just figuring out what I’m supposed to do and how I’m going to fix this. I’m writing this not only to give other people ideas on how to come back from something like this but also something I can look at for the next time I’m feeling this way.
1. Write. Even if you think you’re a shitty writer, write anyway. Write all of your frustrations out. If it’s a note to someone who’s making you feel this way that you’ll never give them or a poem or a really gruesome short story, write it. It doesn’t matter what it is. Or even journal. Write out everything that is going on. Get it all out. I have a journal that I should probably write in more…
2. Listen to music. Blare the music in your ears. Find music that you think will help. For me, sad music and metal or rock helps. When I listen to sad music, I just cry and let it out. Rock, on the other hand…it just gives me something to listen to that keeps my focus. I find myself getting kinda pissed off at myself for letting myself fall, and I become motivated to keep trying, so I don’t have to feel this way again.
3. Cuddle something. Preferably something soft. Like a blanket or a pillow or a stuffed animal. If you have a significant other, cuddle with them. Or a pet. Pets are nice to cuddle with. But something to keep in mind is have a backup thing to cuddle with if you do have a significant other. If something happens there and you can’t cuddle with him/her, it’s best to have something else for comfort.
4. Play a game. I know not everyone is into playing games, but sometimes it helps. I definitely prefer Crash Bandicoot. However, I play Minecraft, too. If you’re looking for a mindless game, something to just keep you occupied, play Kleptocats on your phone. It’s a game where you have a cat and you send it out to go find things. You can dress up your cat, you can get more cats, and you can play different little games while you wait for your cat to come back. It’s something you don’t really have to focus on, just something you can do.
5. Read a book. Now, reading is not everyone’s strong suit, I know. But if you are into reading, find a book to read. Even if it’s a book you’ve read a thousand times, read something. Get your mind off of what’s going on. Get lost in your book.
6. Clean something. Even if it’s something small, clean it. Take out the trash. Vacuum your room. Organize your closet. Make your bed. Something. Seeing the work you did afterwards can be incredibly fulfilling sometimes. Maybe it’ll motivate you to do more. And you’ll feel a lot better after, knowing you did something productive. And hey, you cleaned, which is always a good thing. Having a clean and organized house can help a lot.
7. Sleep. Sleep on your decision. I’ve always been told that before making a life-altering decision, sleep on it first. I know I did that last night when determining if I should kill myself or not. I woke up this morning, and the feeling was gone for the most part. There’s still a small part of me that really wants to go, but I’m trying to ignore it right now. And sleeping is always nice. It gives your body energy. You definitely need some energy.
8. Go for a walk. If you have a dog, take it with you. Walk around the neighborhood. If you want, walk further than that. Walk around town. Go for as long and as far as you want and feel okay with. Even if you walked out the front door and decided not to go anywhere else, you still made a little distance. And if you don’t want to leave the house, just walk around inside. Walk up and down the stairs. Pace back and forth. Exercise can help greatly. Even if it’s something small, you’re still up and moving.
9. Talk to someone. Reach out. If you’re anything like me, you tend to push your friends away when you’re upset. Because you don’t want to hurt them. Chances are that they didn’t actually go anywhere. If you reach out to them, they’ll probably welcome you in. Talk to a friend. A family member. And if you’re dead set thinking you have no friends and that you can’t talk to anyone in your family, call or text the national suicide hotline in your country. There is always an actual person you can talk to. If you hate talking on the phone or you get anxious, text it. I know the one in the US has a number you can text, but I’m not quite sure about other countries. Either way, reach out. Don’t do this alone. And I know it probably doesn’t mean much, but if you see this, know you can always message me. I’m here to talk. Because I’m not going anywhere.
I know this list doesn’t cover everything and that not everything can apply to everyone. But these are a few things that have helped me in the past, and I hope that it might help someone else. Because being at rock bottom sucks. And instead of just leaving everyone else down here, we should be trying to help build other people back up, too.
I’m not saying that you should give yourself up to help other people, but if you can help others without hurting yourself, you should do it. Giving advice, lending an ear, these are the things we should be doing. Because it’s not fun doing this alone. It’s nice to have someone there who’s willing to help. And if you think that being alone for this is better, that’s your decision. But reach out if you need to. The world has already lost so many amazing people too soon. We don’t want to lose you, too.