I wanted to experience life with you

I feel like I have to say goodbye because I can’t do this anymore. I just wanted to know why you love the clouds so much. I wanted to know more on how see the world and get to experience life with you. I wanted to give up my anxiety for one night and actually dance in the parking lot with you. Drink cheap wine more and see things from your perspective. I wanted to get high with you and go for a hike and see different things. I wanted you to show me why living each day like you’ll die the next brings you so much adventure. I wanted to show you why living for years to come can change people’s lives. I wanted to just listen to your soundtrack everyday of my life and know the words like you do. I wanted to show you the songs I used to write and the love for music I hold so dear. How music saved my life years ago. How in one song in just one chord you can hear the musicians feelings and their deepest thoughts. I wanted to drive to more places with you and look at more stars like we could see everything no one could. I want to go into those abandoned places and take amazing photos of the forgotten architecture with you and just imagine what could’ve been there. I wanted to just lay in your bed one more night in your arms feeling like my anxiety had disappeared for one minute. I wanted to live this life that I could’ve never seen or done if it wasn’t for you. I wanted to just care about you and show you truly who I am. I wanted more time but I’m guessing you don’t want me. That I guess you could do that with any other girl. But I could’ve promised you loyalty, adventure, truth and knowledge. I wanted to finally know you. Finally giving us a chance and understanding that we weren’t being real yet to each other. I wanted to know why you love to escape and what you see. How you see music and what you see because I love music so much. I wanted to show you how to write music and the chords to play. Experiencing the peace you brought me one more time. I honestly could go on and on about the things I want. That I know after racking my brain over and over again I know we could not work because we haven’t been real with each other. That I should just stay in my shell and not know but that’s not who I am. I want to know the why’s and experience what I can. I want you. It’s the first thing that comes to my head is that I want you at this very moment. You fit so well. You open a door of knowledge I want to know and I feel I do for you too. A piece of knowledge that I want to show you. After all this I have in my brain I see the one flaw is I know all my wants but I don’t know yours. You just might not want my wants and to experience who I am or go on this amazing adventure with me. This flaw is something I can’t keep staying up all night for, not eating for, not getting to think straight for. There’s another route I could’ve gone with this but my brain can’t stop putting everything on repeat on what I want. But maybe that’s the problem I want so much where you don’t want any…

And it’s okay to grieve the loss of the life you thought you wanted.

– Sivana A