I started spontaneously sobbing today. Fair, I’m not feeling very good. And yes, I’m mentally and physically exhausted from midterms. But it’s more than that. Way more.
You may or may not know this about me based on the season you entered my life, but I gave my heart away long before I gave it to God. To music. It sounds so stupid if you can’t relate, but music saved my life. Not so long ago, music was the only thing that could make me feel something. It was the only thing that made me belong to something bigger than myself. It reached me in the depths of my depression like nothing and nobody could. Not just music mind you, but singing. I’ve never given my heart to anything more fully, I don’t think. Any time I opened my mouth to sing, my heart was slowly leaking out of me, and yet filling more fully at the same time.
The biggest devastation I ever encountered was knowing I wasn’t good enough to do anything with it. It made me physically ache from the inside out. Still does, quite frankly. I’m not terrible, but I’m certainly not confident and that’s my achilles heel. It’s why I once planned on a career in the music industry. But quite honestly, working for the music industry is the same as working for the church… It has very little to do with the heart of the matter. It’s corporate. It’s mechanical. The idea of being so close and yet so far from what I loved most was painful, truly and completely.
After using so much time during midterms to have conversations around vocational discernment, while simultaneously rereading my favorite memoir from Ann and Nancy Wilson… I’m just a little raw. Especially when I’m having a sick day and am consequently glued to YouTube watching some of the most incredibly soulful and life giving pieces of music unfold. I realized today how long it’s been since I’ve sung. I mean really and truly. Not hymns. Not contemporary Christian music. Not under my breath. Not in my head. But full out, heart exploding sung. I can’t remember. The confidence roadblock stops me before I even get started, because living in a house with 5 other people means someone is going to hear me. And because I have so much respect for the craft, I wouldn’t dare let my less than perfect instrument destroy the quality of the songwriting.
When I realized how long it had been since doing the one thing that makes me feel alive, I lost it. I came completely unglued. My heart is suffocating and I don’t know how to make it feel complete.
I’m sad today. Take me to church, Ann.