You’re Not Alone: The Journey of Hopelessness and Tribulation when Losing a Loved One

lyrics to my song- It’s been a year since you passed, really thought before that you would last. Wish so bad that day wasn’t our last I ask God to tell her I love her and thank her but I don’t know if it works like that up there. If only tears could bring you back I would try to fill up the oceans. Mommy you’re so lovely I can’t explain and words can’t express but simply refrain from thinking of you for more than a few minutes at a time cuz then all I want to do it see you. My love for you is true. It’s Valentines Day and if I could be with any woman in the world I’d choose you in a second.
I wish I knew you would pass soon and it wasn’t until you died I thought of your love and my great appreciation and love for you. The consequence is great. I’m so sorry you know I certainly didn’t take the time to hold you dear and spend much time with you. I would’ve treated you better, told you I loved you more, hugged you more, been more patient with you, thanked you more, talked to you more, asked you how you were feeling more, prayed for you more. I would’ve showed you my love more.
Mommy your one of the only women I’ve ever been close to and loved, and I’ve never loved and appreciated a woman as deeply as you. Besides Christ you showed me love more than anyone will or ever has. Momma’s boy when I was younger and grew to be embarrassed. Now I hate that. I’ma mommas boy and unashamed- the only thing Im ashamed of is how little time I spent with you. I’m disgusted with myself part of the time cuz I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be writin this if you were still alive. I’ve been waitin so long to write this song about my dear mom.
I see sons with their moms I’m so jealous I want that back. I feel theres so much I lack and that is the sad fact. Makes it easy for me to be tempted to get off the right track. You treated me better than most would specially the way I treated you sometimes. Never even thanked you for everything before you died. Lately when Im alone, all I can think of and wanna do is write about you. Can’t even be somewhere by myself cuz I feel like I’m gonna go crazy with these thoughts that never stop. Wantin to run away from myself. I’m so stressed I don’t want to eat so I’m beating my body internally, unintentionally, from not doin so but I hate it though.

I know youd want me to work my hardest but its honestly been so hard motivating myself and carin to do anything since you left I’m feelin like such a mess. I’ve never wanted to do something so much more than when I wanted to go see you and hold your hand when you had weeks to live. Walking out that door knowing it was the last time Id see you was one of the saddest things Ive had to experience and the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. Had to catch that plane back but I wanted to stay as long I could, Ive never wanted to stay in one place for so long before as when I was in your room kissing you goodbye knowin soon you would die.
Mommy I don’t wanna lose your memory-God help me to remember her. Like I’ve got Alzheimer’s I don’t have many memories it makes me confused and feelin terrible. I once heard your mind will force you to forget things that are painful is this why?
I might as well act like Im fine everyone else acts like I should be or at least implies it by their actions or should I say lack of and expressions of sympathy. It’s not like I had much help- they act like I’m doin somethin wrong or expectin too much by wanting more than a few to reach out in this significant tragic life event. More than to say a few words and move on like alls good cuz this is what I’m seein and when I try to approach and tell people how I feel they don’t appear to try to help afterwards. I remember a few days no one contacted me like they used to real soon after she died and I was feelin like I did somethin wrong that my mom died. Can anyone help me is there anyone that’s there or who truly cares enough to do more. I’m startin to wonder if I have any friends. You’re the only one person Id love to talk to now and your not here.
Don’t know what to do-irritated and hurt by over 92 percent of the people I knew. Lord forgive me if I have subconscious bitterness towards people in my life and don’t realize.

A year after you died I’ve dealt with being angry. Wanna punch as hard as I can and break something. Harmless, kind and passive couldn’t hurt a fly so I’m not gonna fight anyone to release some fury and punches though sometimes I think it would feel good. Don’t know what to do with this anger since I won’t take it out on other pple they don’t even know Im dealin with it so Im left holdin it in tryin not to sin thinking this crap 24/7 stead of thinking Gods steadfast love to me

Lord all this extra emotion laid on me since my momma died depressed she’s gone and also angry at myself cuz for the longest I didn’t cry for her, not even inside feelin guilty I don’t think of her much. Don’t you think about something if it’s important to you? What kind of a monster of a son doesn’t grieve and think much of his mom? If I think of you too much I feel sad and if I don’t I feel guilty I can’t win.

Fightin this fight alone with no one keeping me accountable with how Im doin no Christians askin me if Im struggling with sin cuz my world is turned upside down and everything’s not the same. It’s not like I got much family checkin up on me and hardly any livin in my region.

Never realized how cold and tough life would be til you died left me here in the dark thinkin all I can do is cry and try to pray if I can ever focus and wait til I see you again. You don’t want me to be sad, feelin so bad, Im wantin you back cuz Im your baby and son

If you’ve never experienced the loss of a close loved one you don’t understand your blind and ignorant to this type of pain until you feel it. This is a nightmare but Im not sleeping so I cant wake up to make it stop. Not sure why I keep writing about you you can’t hear me. Feel like its like no one will help its not like most pple tried when you died. Love to me is showing and not telling actions speak louder than words yet I didn’t see many from pple when you passed cept maybe two days. I received love in a light amount when I coulda used it vastly and desperately. When you were here you loved me the most how much I could boast about you now all I feel is pain.

Lord some said theyd keep up with me but where are they now? I don’t hear from them. Callin them true friends now at times I doubt not tryin to be rude but I sure didn’t like their attitude of bein hands off not askin me how I was doin when she died. I don’t care if you don’t know what to say at least you tried and I know you cared. Someone tell me how the heck am I supposed to know if someone cares or is prayin for me if they don’t dang tell me, it’s appreciated but you can do more than pray anyway. How much effort does it take to send one text or call?

My emotional well being was at stake and all they did was add to my pain with a loss for friends n family reachin out. Not even most the body of Christ when the Word says mourn with those who mourn.
** The dreams mustve been a sign my emotions were suppressed.

If I don’t get this out Ima go crazy. I had over ten pages about this written down but had to cut it down so the song wasn’t twenty minutes long. Im blessed cuz Im saved and my sins are forgiven as well as hers cuz our salvation is faith and life submitted to Christ as God alone but I don’t feel blessed right now. Despite what some pple say her bein in Zion doesn’t take away the fact shes not with me.

I hit the bed and can’t escape dreams about you even if I don’t want to I don’t cry for you much when I’m conscious but I cry in my dreams. Tears come down and wet my face when I see you and when I wake up I know you’re still not here. Awake I look up in the clouds and try to see you but to no avail, I try to imagine you up there.

Sometimes I wanna get atop a mountain and shout someone help. I’m a soft-spoken person but I’m yelling hard inside my heart, mind and soul. I hate speaking loudly but if screaming could bring you back I’d scream at the top of my lungs so my whole neighborhood could hear.

Since my mom died and I hardly had anyone there for me I don’t trust people anymore for anything other than disappointment. Lord people have let me down more than I could’ve imagined more than a dream or nightmare. I only wish I meant a handful of people but it’s much more than that I can count on my two hands or ten toes. Is there some peace I can find amidst this distress in my head? I’m broken someone please fix me but this isn’t right the only one who’ll fix me is Lord. So will you please Yahweh?

God Im sittin here tryin to pray and all I can do is wonder why pple aren’t here for me when I miss my mom and want her back more than anything. I don’t feel Your presence and these Scriptures aren’t doin anything for me. The lack of encouragement, love shown and concern has been almost as traumatic as my mom’s death itself. I’m enchained to these thoughts and pain. Their handcuffed to me and there’s no way out. But there is.
The key is remembering Yeshua’s sacrifice on the cross for me, placing my sin on Him, although I don’t deserve it and never will.

I still want her back and wanna hold her hand I don’t really understand but He’s got His good and perfect plan.

Lord I thank you so much I’m doin better now and not so depressed, anxious, and lost even though I didn’t obey n spend much time and think of You.

And mommy til we reunite Ill stay down here and make you proud. Thank you for all that you did for me. I love you.